to quote george carlin, life is worth losing. that's my philosophy at least, and it's not (just) something coming from a predisposition for pessimism. I've never had any genuine aspirations towards a career or any true plans in life. what i saw around me always seemed regimented. people doing things out of a need for conformity, money, safety, and not because of any kind of genuine desire. and the stuff that others DID do of their own accord---partying and socializing in the most superficial sense, sports, hanging out just because that was the thing to do, and brushing off time alone as something undesirable---all these things have always been unappealing to me. maybe it's because I was raised by good people with very limited horizons, so I never had an easily-expressible (if I can put it that way) way of making my internal conflict known.

I've had a predisposition for misanthropy and pessimism ever since I can remember, but I also have kind of a strong constitution, oddly enough. I react well to stress, and I've found in many cases that there's a lot I can take before breaking down. so, even at a very young age, instead of desparing, displaying odd behavior that could have alerted those around me of something or other, for the most part I just internalized these feelings, studied them, and learned how to appreciate them.

seriously, I had the concept of suicide pinned down way before I learned the word. I figured out for myself that religion is basically bullshit before I could write my own name, possibly because mechanized, institutionalized religion is so ducking (to use one of your trademark words) permeated in this bullshit society I live in (talking about my own country specifically).

so I knew some hardcore truths instinctively, but I never externalized them, mainly because I also had an instinct for self-preservation. I knew enough to tell that I wasn't surrounded by critical thinkers, but more by your average "kind people". there was literally no one I could reach out to when I was young, and---even though I knew better than that deep down---it gave me an inferiority complex. the oddball black-sheep loser with few friends. I've been learning to give a big duck you to the world ever since, and I'm still trying to say it wholeheartedly, and not just under my breath. but it's hard.

anyway, I never excelled academically. I'm naturally smart, and I've had all the opportunity to grow up in a decent home, without any significant drama to talk about (some, but, come on, most of the onus is on me), BUT I'm also naturally lazy, and I never had someone to guide me in the way that I believed I needed to be guided. so, I did enough to get by, and not more. I don't care about institutionalized academia, but I do regret not reading more,not learning more about what I truly wanted to learn.

I am making small steps towards improving that, even though I still do read too little by my own standards, and I also don't assimilate other forms of culture that I care about, to the extent that I would want (this includes music and movies, but I also put in videogames in there. seriously, if you know how to choose them, games are not a waste of time). but anyway, it's a good advice that you gave me, about feeding your propensity for excess with worthwhile activities, and I'm glad that you're following it yourself. I'm also the kind that starts 5 books at once, only, in my case, it can take a couple of months before I finish one.